There are only a few people who enter your life, and from that moment onward, you aren’t the same anymore or at least, a part of you changes completely. I met one of those people on my recent trip to Ahmedabad. A common friend, the 6 ft 2 inch giant with stirring eyes seemed to me like a closed book with a glamorous cover. Behind the charming face that attracted a lot of women, no wonder, I got attracted too; however, there was something else that I wanted to unravel.
Little did I know that the subject of my interest would turn me into an assessment and deduce hypothesis, questioning everything and flipping the pages of my personality like a pro, inferring answers that I am too afraid to confront. Music turned me on; rain outside the 7th-floor apartment was the catalyst and one question of his: ‘why are you sad inside’ left me in trepidation. Out of 10 people in the room, he walked up to me and shot this question.
How did he know? Or was this his best pickup line since we all are somewhere sad souls wearing masks of happiness and waving delusional reality on the faces of the others? My skeptical mind was racing and well, I read him too which left unanswered. Never mind, I will have my chance.
Scene changes to the one where we are face to face and I’m waiting for my over analyzing mind to stop. The story of his mother who lost her life to cancer (Leo woman, damn we are fucking strong people), work related stuff was good enough to break the ice. In some time, I included him in desultory conversations and before I could comprehend the situation, he started reading me.
Gosh! He learned that I am an emotional wreck, forgiving and keep going back to those who have hurt me, afraid to open up, dealing with insecurities and basically, showing me the mirror, only this time, it was as clean as the summer sky. I couldn’t breathe. Was he judging me? Was he creating a mental image of me without even knowing my story? It was too much for me and my obnoxious, irrational, bruised self started to dredge up. On one hand, I wanted him to shut up and on the other, I wanted to hear him read the scribbles written all over me.
He left to sleep, I played the music, sitting on the balcony of the 7th-floor apartment, waiting for the dawn to break and I will be on my way back home. Few minutes had passed and he broke the solitude, started a conversation. He gave me hopes, reminding me of what I am and what I can be. Who does that to a stranger that he has just met 24 hours ago during dim lights, in a crowd, wearing a loose t-shirt, the size of Hulk, literally? But he did.
This is it. It was time for me to slap reality on his face. I told him about my story, how I feel and how I am not ready to take up all of those words onto my shoulders that have become weak from keeping up large boulders of illusions, self-doubt and hurt. He annoyed me several times because he knew the answers to most of the problems, or at least had suggestions. I didn’t need them, I wanted to vent. Somehow, I tried giving snippets of my life and he listened to them, attentively. Until I could see how sleepy he was and I couldn’t let him stay awake, and so I let him sleep.
After an hour’s sleep, I woke up and ready to leave with nothing to say. I was guilty for keeping him awake, afraid that he will only see me as a weak, fighting with my own demons, irrational human too afraid to face reality or worse, devoid of self-love. ‘I am bad at saying goodbyes’ was what I texted him when he asked about my weird morning behavior.
I am glad that I am completely wrong. We are talking through texts and three statements during that night are stuck in my head: ‘If I can live my life without my mom, I can live it in the absence of anyone and that is how I have become strong,’ ‘It is the most important to be selfish and not give a fuck about anyone, except for those who are in your inner circle. The rest of the people can live their life without affecting yours,’ and the third: ‘You have such potential in you and capability to do things that most people only dream of. Why and where are you stuck at all the wrong places?’ Hit me like a bullet!
Sometimes, people come at the right time in your life and he is one of them. I don’t know if I can have any impact in his life, but he has on me and I am thankful for he walked in. Let’s see for how long does he stay.